Sometimes God’s plans are not our own…We thought we were done having kids, that our family was complete. We were wrong!!
After two children, two C-sections, and 22 years of type 1 diabetes, my body was tired and the thought of more children was overwhelming. I had a Paragard IUD inserted when our second daughter was 6 weeks old to prevent any further pregnancies, and we were comfortable with this and felt that it was the direction God wanted us to go in. Imagine my confusion when my husband (Austen) told me the home pregnancy test was positive. My world was shaken and while I was excited about another baby, I was fearful of another pregnancy, the impact of it on my diabetes and my body, and many other possibilities that were seemingly insurmountable in my head. I felt like God was punishing me; yes a cliche, but I really could not imagine how I was going to get through all of the extra doctor's appointments with two small children in tow on top of work and, just life. And the thought of another C-section followed by the recovery with aforementioned, was enough to make me cringe.
I called my OB to schedule an appointment. Surely, the home pregnancy test was wrong and I wasn't REALLY pregnant! I did a urine test when I got there and the MA came out with a shocked look on her face and kind of whispered, "Um, your test was positive for pregnancy?!" Um, yeah, that's why I'm here!! They took me back for an ultrasound. The IUD apparently had "fallen" out but was stuck sideways at the top of my cervix. Ew. The embryo, however, had implanted itself nicely into the top of my uterus, which was good news. Now they just had to get the IUD out. The first attempt was unsuccessful. It was literally hanging out and they told me to reschedule in a week with the hopes that it would fall out in the toilet in the meantime. Really?!
The next week was horribly long. I felt like this was no longer punishment, but just plain torture. Miscarriage was a risk with taking the IUD out since it can cause bleeding. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from this small piece of metal that hadn't even done its job correctly. A couple of days passed and the IUD still hadn't fallen out. I tried ignoring it; that was hard to do. The only thing I could do was trust God that if He allowed this baby to happen, He would definitely take care of him or her and allow life to bloom. Yep, that was definitely the hardest thing to do...wait, and trust God.
The next week's appointment also proved unsuccessful until one of the veteran OB/GYNs was called in to remove it. The actual removal wasn't painful and I was so relieved when it was out that I didn't care what it felt like. We joked that that would be the only thing to be "delivered" down there, as I had had two previous C-sections and it seemed like my body wasn't meant for pushing out babies. It couldn't even expulse an IUD all the way. After a few more days of worry and the risk of bleeding and miscarriage, I showed no blood AT ALL after the removal of the IUD and began to settle in to the fact that I would be a mom to 3 and we would be a family of 5.
At the next visit, the PA I saw (who I had seen the first visit who couldn't remove the IUD the first time) asked me if I had thought about my delivery options now that I was "officially" pregnant. She asked if I wanted to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean), which would actually be a VBA2C (vaginal birth after 2 Cesareans), or if I just wanted another C-section. Austen and I had also joked that at least with this pregnancy I wouldn't have to worry about trying for another VBAC and I would just have a C-section, since we thought that VBACs weren't possible after 2 C-sections. We were wrong! The PA assured me I could definitely try, but if it were her, she would just do another C-section. Yes, we agreed that another repeat C-section would probably be the best path.
But as the days went on, my fears began to overtake me. After my 2nd CS, I had showed some background diabetic retinopathy in my eyes, little tiny blood vessel hemorrhages that can be caused by pregnancy hormones, major surgeries, and of course, diabetes. The eye doctor said it wouldn't go away and that I probably had signs of end organ damage from my diabetes other places in my body (think kidneys, liver, feet, etc.). My endocrinologist said that it probably wasn't THAT bad as my blood tests were normal, but that the BDR could get better, although never goes away completely. I went back for a followup appointment when I was about 10 weeks pregnant. The BDR had actually improved somewhat, but eye doctor recommended we keep a close eye on it during my pregnancy to make sure it didn't worsen. Great, another extra appointment! I went home frustrated and overwhelmed. I didn't understand why God was doing this and why it seemed like one thing after another was piling up on my shoulders. I kept praying, asking Jesus to heal my body, and to please help me understand His plan. I knew it was better than what I had in mind, but I couldn't fathom it.
When I got home, I started reading. Hindsight is 20/20 and I believe this was God's polite nudge, if not huge push, to walk with Him down His path. I read and I kept reading in the days to come. I read about VBACs and VBA2Cs and the risk of that versus a C-section in general as well as a repeat C-section. I read about midwife care versus OB care. I read about unmedicated births and medicated births. I read about the role of doulas in an unmedicated VBAC birth, and home births versus hospital births, the risks and benefits, etc. I read birth stories and blogs, and watched birth videos. Around this time, I also got a letter in the mail from my OB's office talking about Family Circle. It was a group of 6-8 pregnant women who met every so often throughout the pregnancy to talk about topics like baby care, labor and delivery, postpartum, daddy concerns, etc. It was lead by a midwife. Midwife?! I called the office to sign up, expecting to be turned down because I was “high risk” from my diabetes; We were wrong! They told me yes, I could be a part of the group. So we went!
This group was a huge blessing to us. It was support system for Austen with other dads who could relate to their wives’ pregnancy woes as well as support for the whole delivery and postpartum process (for both of us). After a couple of meetings of Family Circle and the support Austen and I both needed to boost our confidence, along with the advice to hire a doula, I interviewed a couple and hired one who I instantly felt I clicked with and had the knowledge and experience that I felt comfortable with. She came over to the house to meet Austen and talk about our goals and desires for this pregnancy and delivery, along with her experiences. We decided that I would start seeing the midwives more often in my office visits, but I would also see the doctors to make sure my diabetes aspect was addressed appropriately and safely for me and the baby. We ended up deciding from our readings and talking to our doula that unmedicated birth would be best, if possible, for a VBA2C so that I could feel for any signs of pending uterine rupture since I had two separate incisions for each previous C-section.
All of this occurred when I was around 20 weeks, and we decided to find out the sex of baby #3 which we discovered would be another girl. This was sort of a double-edged sword for me because even though I was excited, I was nervous that history would repeat itself. Around this same time, our insurance coverage changed and we could no longer have ultrasounds in the OBs office and would have to go to an imaging center down the street and come for a subsequent visit. After a lot of positive encouragement for the past few weeks, this news was really devastating to me. I would have to go to a separate office for ultrasounds every week starting at 32 weeks (diabetic protocol care) if I didn’t want to pay $250. It was pretty clear the choice had been made for me.
But, God does not let anything go to waste and this, too, was a part of His plan for my whole learning process and experience. We had made the ultrasound appointment assuming it would take a half hour or so and then we would head down the street to the OB’s office. We were wrong! The actual ultrasound was horrible. The tech was standoffish and quiet, she hardly said anything through the whole thing. I didn’t get to look at the images, and she made me lay flat on my back. Why they make pregnant women do this, I don’t understand, because combined with heartburn and the weight of baby on the arteries when you lie flat, I almost threw up and passed out. The room was spinning and my eyes were getting fuzzy. I told her I couldn’t lie flat any longer and she had me lean back on my elbows for the rest of the ultrasound, which honestly was not much better than lying flat. I had tears in my eyes the whole time and couldn’t wait for it to finish. When she was finished, she told me that the results would be sent to my OB’s office in two business days, so I couldn’t go immediately over to the office because I didn’t have a report to take with me, which would mean that I would be seen a total of three times (NST/ultrasound/separate doctor visit) a week starting at 34 weeks’ gestation. I didn’t know how I was going to pull this off and again became frustrated and overwhelmed.
I believe this was God’s way of telling me to evaluate this situation and gain some perspective because I couldn’t please everyone. I felt like I had to choose between appointments and taking care of myself and unborn child as well as my children and husband. Yes, while I am technically “high risk” because of my diabetes, I was followed by an OB, a midwife, an endocrinologist, ultrasounds, and non-stress tests, and I stayed on top of my blood sugar testing, insulin pump, exercise, and diet and vitamins. I also got massages and chiropractic care, and took baths to soothe my muscles and help me relax. I had started doing daily stretching early on and was now doing yoga, walking, and also began swimming when I was about 32 weeks as well. My A1cs were checked every month and hovered around 5.7. Our doula had started inviting me to community meetings about birth and hearing inspiring birth stories, meeting other women and midwives and doulas who supported VBA2Cs. She had also recommended fear releasing in regards to a VBAC and I had been listening to my hypnobabies VBAC success and visualization CDs almost every day for positive reinforcement. Despite all of this, I was still getting speeches about “controlled” diabetics who have stillbirths and followup phone calls that I wasn’t staying on top of appointments (which was not true!). I was stressed out and exhausted, and I still had a long way to go to the end. I began to decline extra testing…again, God’s perspective. I had to believe He would take care of me because I couldn’t do everything all the time; well at least I TRIED to believe it – I knew it in my heart, but my brain couldn’t grasp it. My husband and I prayed, and prayed about guidance and felt that a monthly ultrasound and a weekly NST in addition to all of the doctor appointments was enough and if something was abnormal, we would take it from there, i.e., do more testing, etc.
Around 35 weeks, I had another growth ultrasound which showed baby girl to be weighing in at 7.5 pounds already, so I had a big baby despite excellent diabetes control, my diet, my exercise, and this was not looking good for my attempt at a VBA2C. I expressed this to my doula and midwife group who simply told me that fat squishes and muscle stretches. No worries!! As I read and heard more birth stories, I discovered that many VBAC babies happen to be “big” or are bigger than their previous sibling born by C-section. I also started reading Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth which was extremely helpful and inspiring. It also helped my husband understand childbirth and how he could be a supportive partner. My NSTs in the office were all normal and perfect. Things seemed to be falling into place or rather, being put into place by God, and that I might actually have a chance at the birth I had always wanted. I had always told my husband that girls don’t grow up dreaming of having a baby in the operating room with your arms strapped down…you dream of holding your husband’s hand and having a warm slimy baby placed on your chest after waiting so long to see her beautiful face (well, at least I did!). I was still scared and even though this was our third child, we were both learning so much, so much we hadn’t known before, and it was as if we were going through this for the first time again!
At 36 weeks on the dot, I began having somewhat regular contractions accompanied by loose stools, a sign that my body was gearing up to go into labor. I was excited to finally be at this part of the journey! I began to gather things to help me focus during labor – pictures, a bead necklace from my birth circle group (each bead was a positive word to help me remember), music, candles for candle warmers, bathing suit for the birthing pool to labor in, healthy snacks and sports drinks, etc. At 37 weeks, I started to lose my mucus plug, but it wasn’t as obvious as it had been with baby girl #2. Much to my dismay, I would go to bed every night thinking that this would be the night I would go into active labor, but every morning, I woke up pregnant! I had learned and knew that a VBAC was as much as an emotional and mental accomplishment as it is a physical one…so I kept doing everything I had been doing to prepare. Somewhere around this time, I felt like I began to understand what God was up to and that maybe, just maybe, I could be successful on this VBA2C journey, or at least learn whatever it was that God had in mind. On a holiday weekend, I hadn’t been feeling so great and couldn’t tell if I was in labor or just coming down with something. I continued my regular activities and our family went for a swim to see if the contractions would increase in frequency, but after an afternoon nap, they again went away. I had even texted my doula to ask if this could be it and give her forewarning, but didn’t end up needing her after all. My 30th birthday came and went, and again I was a little discouraged as I had thought I might share a birthday with my little girl.
A little more than a week later, at 38 weeks and 1 day, my contractions seemed to be a little more regular and I had them throughout the day. Our family came over for dinner and a visit. When they left, we decided to time my contractions and like always, whenever we started timing them, they would stop. They were definitely closer together than they had been for the past few days, but nothing really regular. Austen suggested walking to see what would happen, if it was “real” labor, if they would become stronger and more frequent. I texted my doula to let her know again what was happening and gave a heads up. She ended up calling and said I didn’t sound like I was in labor, to go to bed, and if it was real labor, I would just know and to call her back. I asked how to tell the difference between the contractions I was having and what real contractions felt like. She pretty much just said I would know the difference!! We went to bed around midnight. At 2:30 a.m., I woke up to pee, had a couple of contractions that felt the same as earlier, and reluctantly went back to bed. At 3:30 a.m., I woke up to pee and when I sat down, I had a contraction. This was one was much stronger than before and definitely had some kick to it. I went back to bed and had another similar one. I told Austen and he asked if he should call our doula, Rose. I said no and to wait because we had already had a false alarm last week and that I would start some laundry and maybe pack a few things for the hospital since we hadn’t packed yet. I threw a robe and some underwear into a bag, and carried the laundry basket to the washer. As I stood there, all of the sudden I had to stop when I had a contraction. I walked back to our room – had another contraction and had to stop at the bed. I kind of laughed and grabbed some more clothes from our clean clothes pile on the floor. Austen started timing them – surely they would stop now! They were close together, but not very short, in other words, they were still kind of irregular and not the classic 30 seconds 2 minutes apart type of contractions. We finally decided to call Rose and she would end up arriving at about 4:30 a.m. While I waited, I stayed in our room and sat on the yoga ball to open up my hips and leaned against the footboard. I also tried hands and knees with my iPod, but I couldn’t stand the sound of anyone’s voice in my ear at that point and ripped off the headphones. Back to the ball. That was no longer comfortable either. Rose arrived and I leaned over the footboard of our bed (like a modified down-dog) and she and Austen rubbed my back. She also did some kind of amazing hip squeeze that really helped as they got stronger. I hadn’t been checked in the office for dilation or effacement, so we had no idea where I was at in terms of labor….so she suggested I get in the bath to relax since we have a nice big tub. I got in at 6:00 a.m. The contractions seemed intense and I was vocalizing through them. Austen had called my mom to let her know we’d need her to come watch our girls in awhile, but no hurry. It would probably be awhile. I got in the tub on my hands and knees and put my belly in the water. This was really the only position I was comfortable laboring in. The sun was coming up and some indirect light was coming in the windows. Rose suggested I try to put my whole belly into the water for comfort and relaxation since our tub wasn’t quite big enough to cover my belly on my hands and knees. I ended up lying in the bath on my left side and the very warm water felt realllllly good. I held Austen’s hand when I had a contraction and Rose spoke positive words to me, telling me to embrace these sensations that were helping to bring my baby into the world. I did, because I, we, had finally arrived at this point I had wondered so long if it would even happen! I really feel like the bath helped me to relax and, with that, I had a contraction, felt a bulge, and my water broke! It was meconium, so Rose said we should think about heading to the hospital. I thought that was fine since if it were up to us, we probably would have gone to the hospital two weeks ago when my contractions first started! The contractions were getting so strong and close together that it took about three of them before I could get out of the tub. At that point, she and Austen basically got me dressed and we tried to hurry downstairs. I could only get down one or two stairs before having another contraction for which I had to stop and focus. By the time we made it downstairs to the kitchen counter to head to the car, I felt like I had to poop a cantaloupe in the words of my midwife!! Rose asked me if I felt like I needed to push and I said yes. I tried NOT to push and it. was. impossible. My body was doing ALL the work. My uterus knew EXACTLY what to do and it was contracting strong enough to push this baby out. From this point on, it was all a blur, a sort of snapshot, frame by frame memory. It was now around 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning and I had expected it to be cool and dark outside, but instead the sun was bright and it was a warm summer morning. I was definitely in the focus zone and was slightly confused as to why it was so hot. The contractions kept getting stronger and while it wasn’t exactly painful, I definitely felt a TON of pressure and was trying not to push, which I thought was ironic! My mom kept telling me not to push, so I grabbed onto the little thingies in the car where you hang your dry cleaning from and clutched them every time I had a contraction on the way to the hospital. My husband obeyed every traffic law on the way to the hospital and I thought I might have to kill him in between contractions. Rose told us later that she kept waiting for him to pull over because she didn’t think we would make it! With every contraction, I assumed somewhat of a tensed up fetal position to counteract the involuntary pushing because I was not going to have my VBA2C baby on the side of the freeway, thank you very much! When we got to the hospital (the speedbumps were KILLER!), they got me a wheelchair which I don’t even know how I sat down in and wheeled me into the ER. The receptionist lady said something about labor and what child was this, and I thought if they asked me to fill out paperwork I might actually die. Whoever was pushing the wheelchair though, kept going, thank you Jesus, I thought, and we were stopped by a physician behind the double doors who said he was going to check me. My mom muttered something about how she worked there and was taking me up to triage and I said no, I am not delivering in the ER!! He said he needed to make sure baby wasn’t crowning and if she wasn’t, we could go upstairs. She wasn’t, and admist the commotion, I was somehow undressed and put on a stretcher. I had to keep my eyes closed to focus on the antipushing (still ironic!) and remember hearing the nurse now telling me not to push. And I still couldn’t not push; it was taking more not to push than if I would have just let my body do the work it knew it was supposed to do (funny how God made it that way!). We finally got upstairs and passed triage (thank the Lord again), and into a room. This part is really fuzzy and all I really remember is being told to yes, go ahead and push, and well, I did. It was amazing to finally work WITH my body. I didn’t feel any pain and really don’t remember feeling anything much at all, I think my hormones were on overdrive to get that baby out. I was SO thirsty and Rose had accidentally left my water in the ER so someone brought a new one which I sipped on. At some point, I asked for a mirror so I could see what was going on. Someone asked if I wanted a mirror and I said, yes, I did not do all this work to prepare for a VBAC not to see her come out of me!! I looked up and saw a sea of faces of women standing in front of me, almost like in a line. Austen was at my side holding my hand and Rose was on my other side. My mom was holding my leg while I pushed and I was on my side/back, which is not how I had planned it, but nothing of my birth plan was panning out besides the fact that I was unmedicated! My midwife shouted out in her British accent, “Can you believe there’s a baby coming out of your hoo-hah?!?!” That was awesome. She also commented on how baby’s head was rotating to come out and she said, “Look at that beautiful rotation!” Then everyone went “oooooohhh”!! At some point, I began to feel exhausted and through some excellent coaching by my husband, mom, midwife, and Rose, I looked up in the mirror and saw my baby girl’s forehead and nose. We had gotten to the hospital around 7:15 and she was born at 7:39 a.m. It was like fast forward and slow motion all at the same time. She was 9 pounds 2 ounces, 20.5 inches long!! I did tear a little and I tore right at the place of a blood vessel so I bled a little more than usual. My midwife gave my placenta a little tug and that was delivered quickly afterwards. I had some nausea and dry heaving afterwards, and some intense soreness in my upper body from trying not to push in the car, but I was feeling better in a few hours.
As far as the difference between vaginal birth and C-section, I was astonished and shocked at the difference. I could walk instantly. When I had to pee, they didn’t want to measure it or look at my blood in the toilet. They basically left me alone! I could take a shower as soon as I wanted to. I could eat whenever I was feeling up to it. At one point during my pregnancy when I was weighing doubts of a VBAC versus a C-section, I told myself that if I could have two major abdominal surgeries and two six-week or longer recovery periods, then I could definitely handle a vaginal delivery!! We went home early the next afternoon to begin life as a family of 5.
I am so grateful to everyone who helped me achieve this VBA2C and I am determined to help other women be educated about their bodies and childbirth. I have learned so much – about pregnancy, about childbirth, and about myself. I truly believe this was my healing birth – emotionally, mentally, and physically. God healed my heart and my hurt and I KNOW it was Him because I never would have chosen for things to happen the way they did. It was NOT easy; in fact, it was very difficult and it was very hard for me to trust Jesus. But the light at the end of the tunnel has finally come and I know that He will use me for a greater purpose with this…in His time!! And the best part of all, besides the fact that I have another beautiful daughter, is that the Lord answered my prayer for healing…the background diabetic retinopathy that the eye doctor told me doesn’t go away…is GONE. I am completely healed and the only explanation for it is GOD. Of course, I am a work in progress and still learning on this journey of life. I am sharing my experience with the world so that other women, especially other diabetic women, can renew their belief in what their bodies were made to do and empower each other.
I hope this blog, birth story, and experience helps just one person have the birth they have always dreamed of!!
